Clever people master life; the wise illuminate it and create fresh difficulties.
The real trouble with reality is that there’s no background music.
It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without changing a single idea.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
War doesn’t determine who’s right. War determines who’s left.
Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
If you think things can’t get worse it’s probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.
I once prayed to god for a bike, but quickly found out he didnt work that way…so I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness.
A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
You can’t be late until you show up.
Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway.
My god carries a hammer. Your god died nailed to a tree. Any questions?
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian